If Phoenix Wright became a Vampire and Changed Profession
I definitely judged Vampire Therapist by its title and opening five minutes. There’s something flippant about that title that made me think this was going to be a jokey, throwaway visual novel. That wasn’t helped by the main character being a vampire from the Old West, cowboy hat and all. “Great”, I thought, “the characters are going to be caricatures as well”.
Ho boy, I was wrong. Vampire Therapist is about as far away from throwaway as a visual novel can get. It goes hard on cognitive behavioural theory, and is about as realistic as a therapy-based game could get. The tone isn’t completely joke-free, but it is serious about plunging two hands into the psyche and rummaging about, forming a strong picture of a person and finding a workable solution for them.
Howdy There, Repressed Patient
The cowboy we mentioned is Sam, the main character of Vampire Therapist. He’s a 200-and-something year old vampire, and he’s looking for a job after ninety years in the wilderness. That leads him to Andromachus, a much older vampire who has set up a private practice above a Eurotrashy nightclub. Andromachus recognises a natural pragmatism to Sam and makes him his apprentice. In the space of a few dialogue boxes, you’re working as a therapist of vampires.
Sam being a cowboy does make sense in the context of the game, and not just because it’s a fun accent for the voice actor. The vampires are of varying ages and come from different periods of time. They carry sensibilities of those periods, and their immortality absolutely factors into their psychological foibles. This isn’t just a therapy sim: it leans deftly into the vampire stuff.
There is a structural backbone to Vampire Therapist. A day starts with Andromachus, as you have your own therapy session. This is where you inevitably get new ‘cognitive distortions’: the gameplay hooks of Vampire Therapist. There are up to thirteen of these, and they run across the bottom of your screen. When you talk to patients or Andromachus, you can interrupt them and identify something they say as a distortion. Perhaps a vampire is ‘Catastrophizing’, making every molehill into a mountain, or they are ‘Labelling’, summarising themselves a little too readily.
After meeting with Andromachus, it’s time for your patients. You tend to have four of these at once, a rolling timetable of sessions that lets you get to know characters like the Shakespearian actor Edmund Kean, or the matriarch Isabella d’Este. It’s testament to the writing that none of these characters have easy solutions, and their arcs are less arc-like, and more an oscillation between satisfied and unsatisfied. One character in particular doesn’t even get a resolution in the truest sense.
Refreshingly Mature Writing
The writing is superb. The concept has so many pitfalls surrounding it, but it dodges almost all of them. Mental health isn’t trivialised, nor is the approach preachy. Tough topics are dealt with, but aren’t tone deaf or cloying. The usual mistranslations that we’ve grown accustomed to from visual novels are not present.
If it has an Achilles’ Heel, it’s a little dry. I would have loved for the therapy to be, I don’t know, 50% of the game rather than the 80% it is here. There isn’t much room for Sam’s life and the peripheral characters he meets. It can mean that you’re always leaning in, activating ‘cognitive distortion’ mode, trying to catch patients in a negative trait, rather than losing yourself in a story. I wanted more relaxation, in all honesty.
And for a game that is so careful about not putting a foot wrong, I found it a little odd that it was so loose in terms of patient confidentiality. Andromachus listens in on sessions without the patient’s consent, and Sam’s a little loose with his tongue when he’s out of the clinic. They’re all reasonably easy to handwave if you imagine that vampire culture is different from ours.
What’s slightly harder to forgive is a couple of minigames. I don’t see why they were included: perhaps the developers looked at Ace Attorney and thought they needed more than just chinwagging. A bloodsucking minigame feels broken for much of Vampire Therapist’s runtime: a random, jiggly bite mark appears on someone’s neck and you have to press a button when it’s on a vein. But it didn’t register correctly and we ended up failing when we thought we nailed it. A meditation minigame is slightly better, but so confusing about what it wants.
To Fail or not to Fail, That is the Question
Which brings us to the controversial aspect of Vampire Therapist: it’s not actually possible to fail at any point. Choose an incorrect cognitive distortion and Andromachus will astrally intervene, prompting you to pick something else. Fail at a minigame and the characters will helpfully wait for you to get it right. In the visual novel community this has been a bit of a discussion point.
In all honesty, I preferred it this way. The cognitive distortions could easily have been daunting. There are thirteen of them, after all, and any one could have been viable in a given situation. You also only get to choose five per session, so there’s so much opportunity for error. What if I didn’t bring the right distortion today? Making dialogue unfailable removes the fear. There were times when I thought Vampire Therapist’s distortions overlapped a little too much – a patient’s exaggeration could be one of two or three – but the lack of a fail state means that it doesn’t matter, not really.
One of the Best Visual Novels
I haven’t even mentioned the voice acting, which is not only stellar – including Matt Mercer – but comprehensive. Every line is voiced, giving Vampire Therapist a lavish, top-drawer presentation. This is not the throwaway visual novel that I assumed it was.
Vampire Therapist is not a visual novel to unwind to. You don’t just play as a therapist, you feel accountable for the characters. Every intervention, every cognitive distortion is carefully chosen. I felt tenser playing Vampire Therapist than when I played some recent soulslikes.
That tension is testament to the writing. It’s so good that you might want your own 200-year old cowboy vampire therapist. We may have to get in line.
Important Links
Help Undead Clients Find Inner Peace In Vampire Therapist On Xbox – https://www.thexboxhub.com/help-undead-clients-find-inner-peace-in-vampire-therapist-on-xbox/
Buy from the Xbox Store – https://www.xbox.com/en-gb/games/store/vampire-therapist/9phx2nf7bvcb
